关键的是，我们要清晰，什么事儿对我们都是真实尤为重要的，并紧紧围绕他们来设置界线。

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假定你是一家企业的副总裁，如果你正提前准备为闺女过生日时，领导忽然规定你来报名参加CEO主持人的一个关键大会，你应该怎么办？

针对托尼•克拉布而言，这压根就并不是难题，由于他先前早已就工作中与生活的边界争端，与领导达到一项“协作规律”。

在我机构的一次主题活动中，微软*的一名*级副总裁受邀发布了有关领导能力的演说。它用短短的一两句开场词就把握住了观众的心：“我从来没有错过了老婆和三个孩子的生日，从来没有错过了一切一次结婚纪念日，也几乎没有错过小朋友们每学年的新学期开学日、最后一天，或是一切一次青春校园剧的巡回演出。”他例举了很多事例，这种只是是在其中一小部分。那时候参加活动的均为高級管理者，她们错过这名企业*级副总裁列举的很多独特场所。她们都想要知道，一位承担数十亿美元业务流程、*须头领全局性的管理者，怎样能*不缺阵全部这种场所。

因此，大家向他寻找回答。他表述了他与亲人达到的的共识：伴随着本身工作经历愈来愈高，企业对他的规定必定会提升，但一些场所是崇高的、无可取代的。他能够接纳常常公出，认真工作，但错过了这种关键的時刻，是他不可以接纳的。它是他相互配合与日常生活的方法*。根据参加这种主题活动，他向小孩、老婆和他自己展现出，什么对他才算是最重要的。他还表述说，这类价值观念融进了他与一切管理人员达到的“协作规律”。在接纳一切职位以前，他都是会*与领导达到某类协约。假如新领导不愿意接纳他的“协作规律”，他便会回绝这一份工作中。

确立自身要想哪些

听他上台演讲时，真实打动我的是，他十分清晰自身要想哪些。他的任职要求他每日作出各种各样艰难的选择，不但涉及到他的业务流程，也包含他的工作方式，而他总是可以发觉这些能让自身和最关注的人维持感情联络的实际時刻；他的亲人能够接纳他的缺阵，由于她们坚信，在最重要的時刻，他一定会出現。

没人是全能的，也没人能有着一切。与领导或合作方设置界线时，大家务必作出一些选择。而关键的是，我们要清晰，什么事儿对我们都是真实尤为重要的，并紧紧围绕他们来设置界线。你能试一下把下边这两个难题的回答做为交涉的基本：

•针对你的工作中或日常生活，你真实要想的是啥？（请实际表明。）

•为了更好地进行对你真实关键的事儿，你想要舍弃哪些？

碰到难题先发制人游戏

设置界线的另一个层面，就是我所指的“先发制人游戏”。倘若这位企业*级副总裁在闺女生日当日收到领导的电話，对他说出現了一个比较严重的难题，*须他参加与微软*CEO的大会。大部分人到收到相近电話时，很有可能会埋怨一两句，可是立刻便会跟闺女通电话，表述并致歉不可以给她过生日了。

那麼，这位企业*级副总裁会怎么做呢？碰到这类状况时，他只*须提示领导以前达到的协约。彼此均搞清楚他的价值观念；双方都清晰“协作规律”。因而，探讨的话题讨论迅速便会迁移到找寻这个问题的随机应变解决方法；回绝参加这般重要的大会，的确很有趣味性，但这并并不是难题。

以前的协约早已说明了一些事儿对你的必要性，说明了你的价值观念。大家重视有确立且坚定不移价值观念的本人和管理者。先发制人游戏战略能够明确你的基本准则，协助你控制自己的界线，并且能够提早防止艰辛的沟通交流。

因此 ，自己当老板无缘无故就甩一项工作中回来的情况下，你该接吗？你的“协作规律”是啥？你的领导清晰你的“协作规律”吗？

文中经出版社出版受权，节选自托尼•克拉布的《纷繁世界，游刃有余》（BUSY: How to Thrive in a World of Too Much）一书。

At one of my events, I had a corporate vice president at Microsoft come to speak to us about leadership. His opening few lines gripped the room: “I have never missed my wife’s birthday or the birthdays of any of my three children. I have never missed the first day or the last day of any school term. I have never missed my wedding anniversary. I have never missed the opening night of a school play.” This was just a small part of the list he reeled off. The room was full of senior leaders, all of whom had missed many of the type of special events listed by the CVP. They all wondered how it was possible for this man, running a billion-dollar business, in a global role, to be present for all those moments.

So we asked him. He explained the understanding that he and his family had come to: that while they accepted that demands on him would rise with his increasing seniority, certain moments were sacred and irreplaceable. He accepted he would travel a lot and he accepted he would work hard, but he would not accept missing these moments. They were one of his ways of harmonizing his work and his family life. In always being presentfor those moments, he demonstrated to his children, his wife and himself where his priorities lay. He also explained that this value of his was part of his “Rules of Engagement” with any manager. Before he agreed to take on any role, he would negotiate certain agreements with that manager. He would not take a job if a prospective new manager was unwilling to agree to his Rules of Engagement.

Be specific

What really hit me as I listened to the CVP was how wonderfully specific he was about what he wanted. His role required him to make tough decisions each day, not only about his business but also about the way he worked. He had been able to identify very specific moments that allowed him to feel connected to those he cared most about; they could accept his absences, confident in the knowledge that he would be there when it mattered most.

We can’t do or have everything. When setting boundaries, we have to accept that some things will have to give as we negotiate with our manager or partner. What’s important is that we are clear about those things that really matter to us, and build boundaries around them. Use your answers to the following questions as the basis for negotiating your boundaries:

• What do you (really) want when it comes to your work or your life? (Be specific.)

• What are you willing to let go of in favor of those things that are truly important to you?

The preemptive strike

The other aspect of boundary setting is what I call “the preemptive strike.” Let’s imagine our CVP gets a call from his manager telling him that a real issue has arisen and he needs to attend a meeting with the CEO of Microsoft on his daughter’s birthday. Most of us might grumble during this call, but it would be followed shortly after by an apologetic conversation with our daughter.

Consider the case of the CVP. When situations like this occur, all he needs to do is remind the manager of their prior agreement. Both people are clear about the values of the CVP; both people are clear of the Rules of Engagement. The discussion rapidly shifts to a workaround solution to this issue; the refusal to attend this critical meeting poses a challenge, but is not a problem.

Prior agreements demonstrate how important things are to you, where your values stand. We respect individuals and leaders who have clear and strong values. The preemptive strike sets out your ground rules and allows you to manage your boundaries, but defuses difficult conversations in advance.

What are your Rules of Engagement? How clear is your manager about your Rules of Engagement?

Excerpt from BUSY: How to Thrive in a World of Too Much by Tony Crabbe. Copyright © 2015 by Tony Crabbe. Used with permission by Grand Central Publishing. All rightsreserved.

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